I am very proud of the fact that I managed to stay on course in terms of the goals of the assignment, sometimes after writing a paper I realized that I did not accomplish the intention of the paper. I feel one of my strengths is being concise and getting straight to the point, because when I was trying to reduce the wordiness of my essay I felt that a good majority was very clear and concise. I feel that I need to expand on my analysis of my evidence throughout my essay, this was made very clear to me once I reread my essay a few days later. Two radical revision techniques I intend to use are going to a place where I need to say more and expanding, revision number one, and revision number six, writing a summary and incorporating that into my essay. Although I do have a summary already I feel that I can expand on it.
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2:4 Essay 2 Reflection
- What are you proud of in this draft? What’s working well?
I’m most proud in how I put down a lot of thoughts that worked to my thesis. I’m also proud that my creative writing skills seem to be still coming through
- More broadly, what do you think your strengths as a writer are? Why?
I think I have a good command of the English language, verb usage and I write expressively.
- What are the most important issues to address in revising Essay 2? Why?
To lengthen my thoughts and make more connections that address the “So What”
- What are your goals for revising? (Share your 2 “radical revision” steps you’ll take, too.)
I’d like to question and deepen the flip side of the thesis for a brief moment. I’d also like to show more real connections between the essay and media I choose.
Paragraph Revision for Essay 2
Original:
Most of the “deniers” of climate change are privileged white males from the West. According to Daggett, “In other words, fossil fuels matter to new authoritarian movements in the West because of profits and consumer lifestyles, but also because privileged subjectivities are oil-soaked and coal-dusted. It is no coincidence that white, conservative American men – regardless of class – appear to be among the most vociferous climate deniers, as well as leading fossil fuel proponents in the West,” (28). This is because it is these white men that profit the most out of fossil fuel and oil consumed by the people. It is through living blindly to make more wealth and cash flow in the economy that these people have turned their backs to the dying animals and starving people around the world that only receive harm from the financial growth of these greedy people.
Revised:
Most of the people that deny climate change are privileged white males from the West. According to Daggett, “In other words, fossil fuels matter to new authoritarian movements in the West because of profits and consumer lifestyles, but also because privileged subjectivities are oil-soaked and coal-dusted. It is no coincidence that white, conservative American men – regardless of class – appear to be among the most vociferous climate deniers, as well as leading fossil fuel proponents in the West,” (28). This shows that white men run and profit the most from the oil and fossil fuel industries. It is the drive to make more wealth and cash flow in the economy that made these people turn their backs to the dying animals and starving people around the world that only receive harm from the financial growth of these greedy people.
Reflect:
I changed the sentences I wrote to be more straightforward by removing unnecessary words and phrases. Now the paragraph sounds more straight to the point. This wasn’t challenging because when I wrote this paragraph I just added information but when I revised it, I was able to catch some writing errors.
Jazmine 2.4
- What are you proud of in this draft? What’s working well?
I am proud of the fact that I was actually able to formulate a clear and precise claim, that is not confusing and states exactly what I want to say.
- More broadly, what do you think your strengths as a writer are? Why?
I think my strengths would be describing things because its the one place that you can be wordy without being too wordy. There is always room for more details when explaining something visual.
- What are the most important issues to address in revising Essay 2? Why?
To maintain the focus of my claim throughout my essay while supporting it with details.
- What are your goals for revising? (Share your 2 “radical revision” steps you’ll take, too.)
To complete a strong, clear and precise lens analysis without adding too much information or losing my focus.
Post 2.4:
I managed to use the author’s take on misogyny to conduct a lens analysis of an advertisement for a king kong movie. That worked well and will be looking forward to receiving feedback that may be helpful in drafting the final paper. My strengths as a writer include the ability to construct sentences with ease. This is because I’m never out of words and no matter how difficult the task may be, I always find a way to write the required information. The most important issue to draft in the essay might be the use of more specific information from the texts to analyze the advert. This is because I feel I didn’t use lots of specific information from the given texts. My goals for revising are to produce a perfect paper that meets all the requirements for the lens analysis and also take into consideration the peer/instructor’s comments regarding my work.
Post 2.3:
First and foremost, in the second-last paragraph of “Petro-masculinity”, Dagget proposes to follow Kate Manne’s belief of misogyny as a set of practices that enforces the norms of patriarchal rule. The author says that if misogyny’s perceived as a policing practice, the focus changes to, “detailing the suffering of its targets, making room for structural as well as direct manifestations of violence. Using Manne’s logic of misogyny, it becomes far easier to recognize, and contest, the pattern of omnipresent aggression experienced by women and others deemed to be gender deviants.” (19).
Dagget proposes to follow Kate Manne’s belief of misogyny as a set of practices that enforces the norms of patriarchal rule in the book “petromasculinity”. He reckons that using Kate’s logic makes it easier to recognize the pattern of omnipresent aggression experienced by women.
Reflection:
Chose to change it up so as to eliminate redundancy and simplify the structure.
Paragraph: The picture in the Guardian article is an outline sketch of how the day to day activities would be in this forest city. At the center of the photo we see people in a park-like environment riding their bikes, fixing their bikes, socializing and socially gathering. On the ground, it may look like a normal city scenery, when we look up from the ground level to the top of the picture we discover that the buildings are all covered with green, this is not glass these are living plants and in the air we see flocks of birds flying, the air at this level is so pure and free we see people in sky carts travelling from sky scraper to skyscraper. This is thus the basis of the article, in the Guardian entitled “’Forest cities’: the radical plan to save China from air pollution”
Revised: Published in the Guardian was a picture showing a detailed sketch of how daily activities would be in a forest city. At the center of the photo people are in a park, riding and fixing their bikes, socializing and socially gathering. On the ground, it is a normal city scenery, when we look to the top, we discover the green buildings. Not green colored glass instead we view living plants and flocks of birds flying. Surrounded by pure air, we see people in sky carts traveling to and from skyscrapers. The basis of the article, in the Guardian entitled “’Forest cities’: the radical plan to save China from air pollution”

Reflection: I believe I had viewed some redundancies, Reminiscing it was just a few hours before I had to submit the draft, and reading the essay by “Jane the Student” had me feeling like Tarzan Boy, paragraph to paragraph. From here I go trying to read another of the Essay2 by student and probably another read of the marvelous work of “Jane the Student”
Week 10.1 (MON, 3/30) | ESSAY 2 (DRAFT) DUE & WORDINESS
A. MLK has set high standards for future leaders.
B. Alice loved cooking since childhood, always seen peeking over the edge of the tabletop.
C. Bloom’s race for the governorship is ineffective
D. A successful graphic designer should have technical knowledge, an eye for color, and balance
E. Deliver the correspondence to the employees’s.
2:3 Paragraph Revision
Paragraph Revision
In the Dr. Pepper commercial, the mountain man partakes in very stereotypical manly experiences as he eats tree bark as beef jerky, single handedly carries large tree logs around and fishes in an icy stream alongside a uncharacteristically friendly grizzly bear who is also fishing. In this icy stream he waits as a bald eagle swoops down satirically to deliver an icy cold Dr. Pepper Ten to him. Dr. Pepper’s Mountain Man has also returned to this frontier where he is free to be wild and carefree like the animals he interacts with.
The Mountain Man in the Dr. Pepper commercial is a stereotypical male figure. He does stupid things like eating tree bark, carrying heavy trees and fishes with a mean bear. He then drinks a diet soda that was delivered by a bird. He likes to act like a wild animal.
My revision sounds stupid and very unsophisticated. I would never write this was and I’m a big fan of words, especially descriptive ones.
2.3 Draft Revision
Draft:
At the first look the video seems to be a presentation of Ocasio-Cortez’s thoughts on “decarbonizing economy” and the costs of saving the planet and different scenarios for the future. With the soothing music in the background and a picture illustrating her words it may seem like anyone could watch it , relax and interpret her words on their own. It’s only when we look at the big caption on the top of the screen we can start wondering why the word “shallow” is used. That could lead us to the conclusion that perhaps someone is criticizing Ocasio-Cortez’s stance on funding decarbonization of the economy and possible scenarios and that additional information is required for the better understanding of this video.
Revision:
The video presents Ocasio-Cortez’s thoughts about the expense of “decarbonizing economy” and climate change. Soft music plays in the background and an illustration corresponds with her words. Currently the audience interprets freely but because the word “shallow” sticks out, Ocasio-Cortez’s presentation changes from reliable to questionable.
Conclusion:
Lard unloading is liberating and mind blowing. I squeezed my own words like a lemon and ended up with an essence. Amazing! It was just one paragraph, if I do it with my whole essay I’ll be left with 2 pages. Are you going to be happy with 2 pages Professor? ;-)))))


